end of 2009

today is the end of 2009. it may seem anticipating to some people, however, it may also be dreadful for the rest. for me, it just marks the begining of a new battle. a new battle against the current-self. i don't deny the fact that i've changed so much this year. probably due to my strong desire to excel in studies, i've actually became so anti-social and introverted. when i browsed through the photos which i took with my friends and the cards that they gave it to me, i felt a sense of regret and of shame washing over me. i don't know how to face the world. i'm just hiding behind the computer, like a loser, watching digimon and playing maplesea. my life is totally of boredom. recently i kept seeing people tagging about the o lvls result. it's only a mere 2 weeks from now. i've actually forgotten about that. i;ve thought that i lived in total freedom and have nothing to worry and fear. but my fear seemed to awaken yesterday. i knew i would not do well for various subjects and would sure let some teachers down. and everything just became a dream. there, i saw i've got 11 points, having nowhere to go. i was ruined, i told myself. i'm a goner. i was demoralized and totally lost hope. until the moment i opened my eyes, the pain in there never ease. i don't know whether this dream would become true or not. this year, i had many dreams about results etc. i was just so worry about all tests, MYE and EOY. my dreams are never positive anyway. this was the part which made me even more depressed and hopeless. i hope this time round the dream would be a false lead. i really want to do well.. i've watched my friends get their results, postings and classes. it seemed to be easy but to them, it's totally a new thing. a new life in fact. having to face new people and difficulties which awaits them. this is the challenge to life. having to live means to anticipate change. i always shared about trusting God and having faith in Him in rangers. i have to practice what i preached. whenever i began to think about my mistakes in the papers, i would always divert my attention to my own testimony. that is trusting God. He has a plan for us; plans to prosper us and not to harm us. plans to give us a hope and future. jeremiah 29:11. i would never forget this verse because this is one which inspires me all along. all i've to do is to trust God and leave everything to him. trusting God means having peace and no worries. i need to have the strength. i need to have that faith. this year is one of promise-breaking, lies and disdainful acts. i hated myself whenever those "unholy" words emerge from my mouth. I Seriously Hate It. i've not been saying those stuff for such a long time. and everything just...... i was ruined the minute those words came out. it just became a habit. I've to CHANGE! will not be going for watch-night service today. rather, i will be staying at home, facing at this computer, this screen, typing my new-year resolution. i believe my Lord is a fair God. He was, He is, and He will be. :)